• My dad recently retired after 30 years as a church minister. Religion shaped much of my life.
• I'm no longer religious and neither is my wife, but we're spending the holidays with my family. 
• We want to create new holiday traditions with our son. Here's how we're doing it.

Here is what last Christmas with my family looked like: My mom, my dad, my sister, and me playing board games, watching more films than I can remember, ordering takeout, having the odd argument here and there, and engaging in wall-to-wall eating and drinking mostly in pajamas. That might all sound pretty normal, but for us it was a major shift.

Last year my dad retired after 30 years as a church minister. Before that we spent much of our Christmases in church. We'd attend a service at midnight on Christmas Eve and at least two more on Christmas Day; at home, my sister and I would take point on the cooking, making traditional turkey with all the trimmings and a flaming Christmas pudding. My mom always invited any strays she found in church back to join us for lunch and, though we saw a lot of him, dad was very much on duty, with his head fully in work mode. It was chaotic, joyful, and wholly centered on my dad's role as a spiritual-community leader.

So last year was strange, not least because I got to see dad just being dad. This year, things are going to be different again; my wife and our newborn baby will be added into the mix. Until now, my wife and I have spent our Christmases separately. She's from France and I'm from the UK, so every year since we've been together we've always taken the time to be with our own families over the holidays. But now that we have a baby, we come as a unit.

I've come a long way in my thinking about religion

Growing up queer in a religious home was never easy. I didn't come out until my early 20s and had been living away from home for about four years. I had stopped going to church at that point, and the echoes of the warnings I'd heard all my life that gay people are damned for all eternity had faded. Ironically, my bachelor's degree in religious studies was what finally killed my belief in a creator God and organized religion.

While my rejection of Christianity is still a sore subject for them, my parents have found it easier to accept my identity and have welcomed my wife with open arms. As I've learned more about myself, they've also grown as people and have been open to adapting and changing with me.

I've also grown regarding my attitude to religion. Whereas when I was first struggling with my sexuality all I felt was anger, I now see the importance of church for my parents and what it brings to their lives. Until last year, it was literally my dad's whole life. I now find, especially at Christmas, that there's a certain comfort in the familiarity of the music and the stories that I've learned to enjoy in my own atheist way. This year, though, with my wife spending her first Christmas with my family, I am conscious of the opportunity — in fact, the need — to make Christmas our own.

My wife and I want to make new memories — and traditions — with our son

My wife's family is in no way religious, and the only time she has spent at church has been for the occasional wedding or funeral. Going to church with my family will be something of a cultural curiosity for her and a way to share that part of our traditional Christmas. In turn, it will be an opportunity for my parents to share an important aspect of their lives with their grandson and for him to hear some of the music that I love. My wife also plans to add some traditional French elements to our Christmas, mainly in terms of food and drink, such as foie gras, Champagne, and a bûche de Noël, which is a sort of chocolate cake.

This first Christmas all together will be something of a testing ground. Though they know we are not bringing up our son to believe in God, I'm sure my parents will talk to him as much as possible about their beliefs and, once he's older, will tell him the Christian story of Christmas. They won't be able to help themselves.

My wife and I have already had conversations about this ahead of the holidays, and her feeling is that she is happy for my parents to share their ideas with our son but we'll want to make it clear that it's just that — ideas about the world rather than absolute, irrefutable fact. Navigating these conversations will be challenging, and as our son grows up and perhaps shows more interest in their beliefs, we will have to adapt. I don't want to tell him that I think my parents are wrong, but I will tell him that theirs is just one of the many ways that humans understand the universe.

The mix of cultures and beliefs that will be under one roof this year will almost certainly result in moments of tension or disagreement, but I am excited for my son to experience something different from the version of Christmas I grew up with. We will discover our own traditions this way, find ways to make Christmas meaningful for our little family, and hopefully create beautiful memories for our son.

Watch:

ncG1vNJzZmivp6x7o8HSoqWeq6Oeu7S1w56pZ5ufonyurcqipaBlnprEbrTOpaCdmaliwbOtw6KroqeeqHq4tdOhZLChlpp6orrDZqqopl2WwG6t06GcoqukYn9xfpFmaGs%3D